Matchmaker, Matchmaker
by SheDreamsinSlash
Summary: Kurt plays matchmaker for Tina and Artie. Then, other couples pop out of the woodwork. Some... not so expected couples. Includes het and slash.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, despite my desperate wishes.

A/N: I am working on this huge fic of epic Purt. However, this little idea came to me. And I just couldn't resist Matchmaker!Kurt. This chapter is Tina/Artie.

Make Me a Match

Friday after the week of the bake sale, Kurt and Mercedes were sitting in the food court with Tina, who had just sighed for what seemed like the five hundredth time that day.

"All right, what is with you girl?" Mercedes asked, pointing her finger at Tina. "You've been sighing all day."

"It's true." Kurt added, nibbling his salad. "You've been moping for like a week now. We took you shopping to cheer you up, but you keep sighing and looking misty-eyed."

"A-a-all right," Tina said, squaring her shoulders. "The other day I stayed after with Artie."

"I knew you guys were into each other." Mercedes announced triumphantly.

"Would she be moping if it went well?" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, girl. Continue."

"It was going really well. But I felt… guilty." Tina admitted. "So I told Artie the truth."

Kurt and Mercedes looked at each other, then leaned in, eager for some hot gossip.

"I don't have a stutter." Tina took in their surprised faces, then explained. "I was—I am really, really shy. My teacher wanted us to give speeches, but I couldn't do it. So I faked it. And then I just never stopped."

"Oh, my God!" Mercedes exclaimed. "How did you keep it up so long?"

"More importantly, how did Artie take it?" Kurt asked.

"He was very disappointed. He said…" Tina's breath hitched. "That he didn't understand. Because I can just stop having a stutter. But he'll never…"

Tina buried her face in her hands, and Kurt and Mercedes swarmed around her.

"This is something we can fix," Kurt said. "What Artie needs is some guy advice. And I just happen to know someone perfect for the job."

"Finn?" Mercedes asked, causing Tina to give a small laugh.

"Funny. I meant me." Kurt said, straightening up. "Let's go clean you up and continue with a little retail therapy."

* * *

Kurt, Tina and Mercedes left the mall later that night, each carrying a few bags. Tina had brightened at the prospect of Kurt's help. Mercedes also seemed hopeful until Tina jumped out of Kurt's newly returned ride.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Mercedes asked, enjoying the spacious Escalade.

Kurt backed out into the road confidently.

"Of course," Kurt answered. "Watch and learn."

* * *

Kurt spent the rest of the weekend deciding what to say and what outfit to say it in. And how on earth was he going to get Artie alone to say it?

The answer came to Kurt as he was walking towards second period. He watched Artie roll by and grabbed the handles of his wheelchair.

"Would you like a hand?" Kurt offered.

"Thank you, but I've got it." Artie replied, politely.

"Nonsense. I know how hard it is to push yourself about; I've been in one of these things." Kurt chatted, bracing himself for the conversation.

"It would be nice to just enjoy the ride for once," Artie agreed, folding his arms on his lap.

"Speaking of rides, I finally got back my Escalade," Kurt said, trying to ease into the conversation.

"That's cool," Artie agreed, sounding uneasy at the sudden topic change.

"I took Tina and Mercedes to the mall Friday." Kurt noted Artie's shoulder slump. "Guess what Tina told me?"

Artie turned his head, almost looking at Kurt before returning his head forward.

"I… don't know." Even if Artie was disappointed in Tina, he hadn't forsaken her as a friend at least.

"The stutter? It's an act." Kurt said, waiting to gage Artie's reaction.

"She did inform me of this," Artie said, a sad note creeping into his voice.

"Can you believe it? Having to hide something like that?"

"Aren't you upset that she's been faking it? It was all a lie."

"Upset? No." Kurt said, ready to bring the point home. "Can you imagine being so afraid to be yourself that you would pretend you're something you aren't? Being so scared that people won't like you if you just showed who you really were?"

"No. I can't hide who I am. I'm a cripple for all the world to see." Artie said, trying to seize the wheels and get away from Kurt.

"Saying you're a cripple is saying you're helpless. And you're anything but. You taught eleven people how to dance, all in a wheelchair. That's an accomplishment. So don't say that ever again."

Artie replaced his hands on his lap.

"But Tina—Tina is so afraid, so scared, so shy—she hid herself away from the world. She pretended that there was something wrong with her so no one would hate her for who she truly was." Kurt said, knowing Artie was hanging onto his every word.

"She still lied. It's still wrong," Artie was grasping at straws. "She faked it. I thought that we had something important in common."

"You do have something important in common, Glee Club. Listen Artie, I think you have it all wrong. It is sometimes too hard to be yourself, so you fake it. Whether it's to avoid people or to blend in a little more—"

Artie grabbed the rims of his chair and pulled away from Kurt. He executed a smooth turn, so Kurt could see his angry face.

"Why are you taking her side? Why can't you understand what it's like being different?" Artie demanded.

"Because I did the same thing!" Kurt yelled, drawing stares from the students around them. "I pretended to be heterosexual for a long time, just like Tina pretended to have a stutter. Because it is harder to be yourself when you know people will hate you for it. You have to be yourself; the chair is open and obvious. But if you could hide it, you would."

Artie's mouth was gaping as he tried to find a response.

"Listen, Artie," Kurt said, gently. "Here's what you're going to do. After Glee today, tell Tina you'd like a word. Tell her you feel like you've judged her too quickly. Then ask her if she'd like to discuss it more over dinner tomorrow night."

"What?" Artie said. "Like a—a date?"

"Yes, Artie. You are going to be with Tina. You liked Tina before you knew she didn't have a stutter. She's the same girl, only more articulate."

With that statement, Kurt strutted away feeling confident.

* * *

When Kurt arrived at Glee, he pulled Mercedes aside.

"I did it. I totally did it!" Kurt whispered excitedly. "They're going on a date."

"It's about damn time," Mercedes agreed.

"She doesn't know yet though." Kurt whispered. "So act like everything's normal."

Little did the two know that a blonde cheerleader was listening curiously.

* * *

Rehearsal went pretty smoothly as they began work on a new assignment. Kurt and Mercedes, however, were not focusing on the assignment. They were watching Tina and Artie, trying to see how things went today.

"Step ball change, one, two, Kurt pay attention," Mr. Schuester said, right along with the rhythm. "Up, down, hands, step and—left, left, right; Mercedes don't hit Brittany."

Mercedes had accidentally stepped to the left a third time, hitting the blonde.

"Sorry, Mr. Schue," Mercedes said.

"All right, five minute break, then we are going to run it again." Mr. Schuester announced.

"Tina, can I talk to you for a minute?" Artie asked, as people broke apart to enjoy the break.

Mercedes and Kurt took a seat, trying to look like they weren't eavesdropping. One Cheerio followed their lead.

"Yeah," Tina stepped over to Artie, looking a little nervous.

"It has come to my attention that my reaction to your news was a little premature. Upon further thought, I think I understand why you would do it. But I'd like to talk it over… with you… at dinner… tomorrow… night." Artie stammered, nervously.

"Are you asking me… out?" Tina said, sounding happily surprised.

"I am."

"Yeah. Okay, tomorrow night."

"I'll pick you up at six." Artie said, smiling.

Kurt grinned at Mercedes.

"I told you I could do it. Call me _The Matchmaker_." Kurt said haughtily.

"I am not calling you that," Mercedes said. "But I will give you props. Artie looks so happy he could explode."

"And it's all thanks to me… The Matchmaker." Kurt said, smugly.

"The matchmaker?" a blonde whispered.

"All right, guys, let's hit it!" Mr. Schuester announced.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next chapter will be a new couple, and it will be slash. But that's all you get to know.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee. I might die of joy if I did.

A/N: Anyways, here is the long awaited next installment of the story. This is femslash, so be prepared. Nothing graphic, just sweetness.

* * *

Catch Me a Catch

The next day dawned bright and beautiful. Kurt awoke with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He strode through the school's hallways with his usual aura of confidence. He was getting his text book for math when Brittany appeared.

"Hi, Kurt," she said.

"I'm so glad you're here Brittany. Tina's got a date tonight, so we'll have to move our dance rehearsal. I'm so excited to do _Bad Romance_. It's the new _Single Ladies_," Kurt announced, giddy with his matchmaking success.

"It's not the song," Brittany replied.

"Yes, it is. Its success has been outrageous," Kurt said, ready to defend Lady Gaga to the death.

"No, I want to talk to you about something else," Brittany whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" Kurt asked, feeling confused. Brittany had just confused _him_, that was different.

"It's a secret." Brittany said, leaning in towards Kurt. "I need help… matchmaker."

"What?!" Kurt screeched. "Aren't you dating other Asian?"

"Shhh. He doesn't know yet," Brittany whispered, looking around.

"You should tell him before going after someone else. A significant other usually poses a problem when looking for a significant other," Kurt explained.

"Well, the other person is definitely interested. She's just—"

"She!" Kurt exclaimed, shutting his locker and beginning to walk to his math class. "Brittany, Tina and Artie were waiting to happen. You, however, _are not a lesbian_."

"Right." Brittany nodded.

"So… why do you want to date a girl if _you're not into girls_?" Kurt demanded.

"Just this _one_ girl." Brittany said. "Can't you help me?"

Kurt looked at her, ready to tell her that she was absolutely crazy. But that simple face was imploring him for his help.

"Who is it?" Kurt sighed, resigned to this crazy task.

"Santana," Brittany said matter-of-factly.

Kurt stopped, feeling like he had run into a brick wall.

"Are you kidding?" Kurt whispered loudly. "Isn't she dating Matt?"

"Sometimes, but he's been talking to Mercedes a lot lately." Brittany explained.

Kurt made a mental note to pry into Mercedes's personal life. Mental note aside, panic set in. Brittany, sweet, not so clever, Brittany, was asking a favor, so how could he say no? On the other hand, how could he agree to set Brittany up with Santana? Was he insane? As he was about to ask this though, Brittany turned to him with the saddest eyes he had ever seen.

"Please, Kurt, it would mean a lot to me."

"Of course I'll help. I will need a day to devise a plan though," Kurt said.

"You're the best," Brittany said, sweetly kissing his cheek before dashing to class.

Kurt stood there a hand on his cheek and fear in his heart. He was only shaken out of his reverie when Mercedes showed up and tapped his shoulder.

"What's up?" Mercedes asked. "You were supposed to text me when you got here."

"You're not going to believe this," Kurt whispered.

* * *

The bell had unfortunately rung at that time forcing Kurt to wait until lunch to tell Mercedes the information he had received in his whirlwind morning with Brittany. The bell finally rang, and he and Mercedes proceeded to lunch.

"So tell me all the juicy details," Mercedes said, blissfully unaware of the momentous task Kurt now had to tackle.

"Brittany came up to me today."

"And?"

Kurt took a deep breath and braced himself. "Brittany wants me to fix her up with Santana Lopez."

"What?!" Mercedes' shout caught the attention of most of the cafeteria.

Kurt dragged her to a table and glared at the onlookers. Once they had re-established privacy, Kurt whispered the sordid tale to Mercedes.

"And then she uses the world's saddest eyes to make me say yes," Kurt moaned. "What am I going to do?"

"Do they still have witness relocation programs?"

"You are not helping. I have to come up with something," Kurt said. "But first, when did you and Matt get all buddy-buddy?"

"I don't know," Mercedes said, blushing. Kurt hadn't realized that Mercedes could blush. He had always assumed the fierceness within her had eradicated any feelings of nervousness and embarrassment within her.

"Well, once I've finished the current project, I'm helping you to snag Mr. Rutherford."

"I won't hold my breath then," Mercedes said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't you believe in _The Matchmaker_?"

"I can't take you seriously when you make that face," Mercedes giggled, taking a bite of her lunch.

* * *

Kurt found it difficult to concentrate in classes, trying desperately to create a plan to help sweet, stupid Brittany date… Santana. What did Brittany even see in her? Kurt tried to fathom what could possibly be appealing in dating a girl, but he was having no luck.

The thought plagued him all day. What did a girl want? Did she want someone to tell her she was pretty all the time? Or someone who would tell her, _hey, that shirt would go better with those shoes_? How was he supposed to know? Girls had their own secret code of what they wanted. And the cipher was on that second X chromosome.

"That's it," Kurt said.

Unfortunately, he was still in seventh period, and Mr. Schuester gave him a look that basically said _I know you're in New Directions, but you aren't getting special treatment so behave like everyone else_.

"Sorry," Kurt mumbled, turning red and sliding down a little in his seat.

Quinn turned to Brittany and whispered something, then laughed meanly. Brittany just looked confused.

* * *

Kurt began his nightly cleansing ritual, carefully refining his plan before calling Brittany. Convinced he was an absolute _genius_, he picked up his phone and called Brittany.

* * *

Kurt's plan was not entirely complicated, specially tailored for Brittany. Kurt arranged for Brittany and Santana to meet up before school by the baseball field. Kurt and Mercedes were carefully concealed behind the home team dugout, phones ready to text Brittany in case she forgot what to say or needed moral support.

"Kurt, you do realize, the football team is going to kill you?" Mercedes whispered, peering around a corner waiting for the cheerleaders to show.

"Why is that exactly?"

"Two cheerleaders are now off the market, and it's _all… your… fault_," Mercedes ground out.

"I thought straight boys were into that kind of thing," Kurt whispered. "Anyway, here's Brittany."

Brittany stood near the dug out, peering about anxiously for Santana.

"Good luck," Kurt whispered.

"Who's there?" Brittany shouted, scanning the area nervously.

"It's Kurt. You can do it."

Brittany nodded, watching Santana approach.

"Hey Britt," Santana said, putting away the phone she had just been texting on.

"Hi," Brittany said softly.

"Well, where are the tickets?"

"There are no tickets. I wanted to talk about… us."

"What about us?" Santana said, sounding accusatory.

"Um, like, how whenever I'm upset, you make me feel better. Like the time Cindy told me my shoes were tacky and then you kissed her boyfriend to make her angry."

"What are we doing? Playing 'remember when?'"

"No," Brittany said defensively. "I just, I want you to know that you've always been a good friend to me. And I care about you a lot."

"Britt, this could have waited. You know I like to get an iced latte on Wednesday morning."

"I know. And I know that you hate when people wear green and brown together, because it makes them look like a tree. And I know you're secretly afraid of driving over bridges because you think it might collapse."

"Shh. What if someone hears you?"

"No one's here."

Mercedes looked at Kurt. "She lies like a pro."

"She may be our friend, but she's still a Cheerio. They're trained to be mean, lean, back-flipping machines. Now, shh."

Kurt and Mercedes turned back to the cheerleaders, where Santana stood defensively and Brittany was looking resolutely into Santana's eyes.

"I think you're the best Santana. And I know you really like me too. I want to—to—"

"To what?"

"I wanna go out with you," mumbled Brittany.

"What? I told you, friends do it all the time. It's called 'friends with benefits.'" Santana rolled her eyes and flipped her hair.

"I don't want to be friends with benefits. When I go out, I want to go out with someone who is actually going to _watch_ the movie, not just make out with me and feel me up. I want to go out with someone who knows when I just want a hug good night. I want someone who knows when I'm upset and don't want to talk about it, so they get me ice cream and tell me mean things about the person who made me angry. No guy is going to do that. It's you, Santana."

"Oh my God," Santana whispered. "I'm into guys, so whatever."

Santana whipped her ponytail around and began to storm off.

"How can you say that?" Brittany called out in a trembling voice.

Santana turned around and saw the tears in her friend's eyes.

"We really like each other, so why shouldn't we go out?"

"We're both girls."

"So?"

"It's weird, all right."

"What's weird is that you would date someone who doesn't even know that you're allergic to strawberries. Or that your favorite movie is _Gone with the Wind_. Or that you love animals so much you volunteer at an animal shelter half an hour away so nobody knows. Why can't we go out?"

"Aren't you dating Mike?"

"I'll break up with him."

"Keeping him for back up?"

"I forgot."

"Whatever."

"So… will you go out with me?"

Santana heaved a big sigh, then turned to her friend and uncrossed her arms.

"I'm not going to hold your hands in the hallways, and I'm not paying for dates. I will not respond to the phrase _snookie_ or _lambchop_. And I'm not your girlfriend."

"Does that mean yes?"

"Yeah."

Brittany wrapped Santana in a hug that was unsettlingly cute.

"Oh… my… God…" Mercedes whispered.

"I'm _so_ good," Kurt said, smugness dripping from his voice.

"Whatever," Mercedes replied, watching the cheerleaders walk away.

"Now, you and Matt…." Kurt drawled, rubbing his hands together.

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
